Bitch....Slapped...

The Venus...the only one I recognized...gosh I am so unedemacated

We woke up relatively early again on Saturday to make our 10:15 admittance time to the Ufizi Art Museum. The Uffizi is one of those unavoidable traveling mistakes that left us both kicking ourselves in the ass after about an hour. The Uffizi holds the largest collection of Renaissance Art in the world and is one of Florence’s main attractions. Low and behold we come to realize, once we are sweltering amidst the tourist crowds and 30 euros later, neither one of us even likes Renaissance art at all. We rushed to get tickets and avoid the line even though neither one of us even had any particular desire to go. We just felt like we should go see what all the fuss was about I guess. Kinda funny. This is what I learned at the Uffizi:

- You can never wear too much deoderant

- Italian museum curators don’t know jack about the museum they work in

- There is no way all those little kids running around possibly can understand what they are looking at

- Asian people don’t smile in pictures

- looking at 300 portraits of women who look like men is not my idea of a kick-ass afternoon

And most importantly, which Brandon will explain in a moment....

- Do not lose your significant other in a crowded museum unless you want things to get violent

ANYWAY, as I was slowly but surely getting over the 30 Euros or $50 (fucking exchange rate) I just spent on shit I really didn’t want to see AND the fact that they wouldn’t give me an audio tour cell phone looking thing cause I didn’t have my ID, I was aimlessly wondering the Ufizi for at least one painting I recognize. At least to say I saw the so and so right? So there I was, Jess by my side, my hand on her tush where it usually is during normal day to day activities, and as were deciding which paintings to gaze at in pure dissatisfaction …I naturally turned to her, put my hand on her tush and casually said, oohhh The Venus. BUT as I squeezed the tush, to the purest of pure surprises… that one cheek of tush I put my hand on, well…it was the size of Jess’s whole ass. And that tenth of a second I had before a 40 something Italian women turned to me, yelled something in Italian and gave me the best bitch slap I have ever had, I thought…uh oh. It was so awesomely embarrassing for both parties I was left speechless. I tried to use slow and broken English to explain to her that I thought she was my girlfriend and I was pointlessly trying to point in any direction to explain to her in sherades that I actually I have girlfriend and she‘s over there, in that direction, who’s ass I thought was yours…After a minute of literally standing there in shame and awesomeness, I realized it was helpless. I also realized that she might have a pissed off husband that might be heated and I certainly did not want to get into a fight, in Italy, where they take there art more serious than any culture, and if I get slammed against one of these paintings and they blame it on me…well I might be stuck here eating pizza and pasta for a long time. And that just does not sound appeasing. So I got the hell outta there and found Jess.

I found Jess in the other room trying to make sense of one of the religious paintings, told her what happened and she chuckled as if I told her one of my bad jokes. “No seriously Jess, I just got bitch slapped by an Italian lady cause I grabbed her ass cause I thought it was yours! We have to go to the next room, her husband might be here and I don’t want another July 4th incident.” ANYWAY, good times Ufizi. Maybe we’ll come back when were more mature…and I have my ID. Till then…

My Jess boozin in the middle of Florence...no big deal

I had to....